Monday, July 5th, 2010- letter to Kingston

My Precious Little Kington. You are such a blessing to me. I never imagined I could love someone so much as I love you. I tried for 2 years to get pregnant and the day that I found out was the happiest moment of my life! I have enjoyed every minute that you were inside my belly. I loved feeling your little kicks and daily I would look through your ultra sound pictures and get so exicited for you to come. Christian and I have loved shopping for you and picking out things for your "surfer" themed nursery. I could hardly wait for you to come.

So many emotions have gone through my head the last couple days. Friday afternoon I was low risk, 24 weeks pregnant, and carrying a healthy happy little baby! Up until this point I had felt no contractions. (I didn't even know what that would feel like) I did feel like you were really moving a lot and sometimes it put pressure on my uterus and hurt a lot. It wasn't very frequent though so I was not too alarmed. I started noticing some more discharge than usual but I had also read this was normal to experience around this time. There were a couple times during the day that I noticed a little pink tinge and I wasn't sure if I was imagining it or not but it looked like a little blood. I started to become more concerned at dinner when the pain in my uterus started becoming more frequent. By the time we were home I decided to relax on the bed and see if it would calm down. I started timing them and they seemed to be 2-4 minutes apart. I called the on-call doctor and after talking to her for a time she recommended that I go down to the hospital to get checked out. At this point I was a little embarrassed and was sure it was nothing but wanted to calm my fears. I kept telling myself I was just being a paranoid first-time mom, but still wanted the reassurance. No one seemed to be too worried or concerned when I first arrived. I was hooked up to a monitor to see if the feelings I had were contractions, and find out how far apart they were. There were some pretty big contractions and they were coming very close together. The nurse checked to see if I was dialating and suddenly things started to heat up fast. She said "Oh dear, this is not good. You are dialated to a 3. We are going to do everything we can to slow down the contractions and stop you from going into labor." She asked if I thought my water had broke and I said it had not. She, and the other nurse that was in the room, left in a hurry and then came back and started preparing me for all that was about to happen. She told me I would be moved to another room and that she was going to check for infection and wanted to give me Magnesia (which I thought she said was to slow down the contractions, but later I think it was also used to help the you) She told me it would make me feel like I had a 24 hour flu and that I would get a fever and probably through up and feel real nauscious. She also wanted to give me a steroid shot as a precaution in case you came that night. At about 2 am my water broke. I couldn't believe what was happening. I felt that things were moving to fast and could feel the concern from the caregivers. I was given a catheter and then because the magnesia wasn't slowing the contractions it was bumped up to a higher dosage. Someone from the NICU came in and started telling me what to expect if i had you that night. The doctor also tried talking to me. I threw up every time someone tried talking and everything seemed like a blur. Next thing I know I am told that I am about to be transferred to the University of Utah because they felt you will have better care at their facility. They wanted to helicopter me out of there and that really scarred me. I could tell things were bad. I denied the helicopter because I felt more comfortable going in an ambulance and I knew it would get there about the same time since we were only minutes from the other hospital. Since Shayla (your cousin) had been at primary childrens, which is adjoining the University of Utah Hospital, I felt very confident that transferring there was in the best interest for you, and that you would receive the best care there. After a long hard night and once the transfer was complete they were able to stabilize me and the contractions. They checked my cervix again and said I was only dialated to about a 1. Things were finally looking a little better. You were doing awesome. They monitored your movement and breathing and everything seemed like it was going to be ok. I finally felt a little relief and hope. Sometime on Saturday they said that I could be moved to a regular room where they would monitor me and I would be on bed rest until you came. I was hoping that this would be at least a few weeks and praying for another month. I was so concerned about the risks that delivering SO EARLY could cause. All I could think about was keeping you in my tummy for a little longer. I tried to relax and rest and slept most of the day. On Sunday, I was feeling really good. I started making little goals for myself. If I could just make it to 25 weeks than I would focus on 26 and everyday after that would be 2 less days in the NICU for my little angel. Well when they moved me down my uterus started getting irritable and I started noting everytime I thought I was having a contraction or even feeling tightness. I was monitored and you were monitored and we both seemed to be doing fine. I was a little concerned about the tightness I kept feeling but I was so thankful to have another day and praying for many more. As the day went on I started feeling more tightness and they became more frequent and got worse. I went to the bathroom just before the nurse same to give me my 8pm antibiotics through the IV. I had seen a little blood earlier and this time there was a little more and it was bright red, which was something they told me to watch for. I let the nurse know and she told the doctor. She also monitored you and me again and we both seemed to be doing great. She could see that I was maybe having small contractions but they didn't look bad or too worriesome. The doctor came in and decided to check me just because the blood. He said he wasn't too concerned but just wanted to as a precaution. I was a little scared. My legs started shaking and I couldn't seem to get them to stop. He said I was more dialated and that there was a water sack that had formed. He wanted to move me back to labor and delivery. I started breathing heavily and crying and got really, really scared again. I was so afraid for you. I wanted to protect you and keep you safe inside me and felt like I couldn't control anything and that it was out of my hands and I felt so helpless. As I was being transferred I felt a huge gush of fluid and knew that the water sack had broke. As soon as I was in labor and delivery everything sped up again so fast. They started another i.v. of magnesia for you and checked my cervix. They said you were crowning and that we had to move to the operating room to deliver. I was shaking so bad and the fever from the magnesia was starting to elevate. I had no control and I wasn't ready and I was so so scared for my precious little baby. All of a sudden the two doctors at the end are telling me to push and i'm pushing and pushing and it hurts and i'm crying and scared. After some painful pushes they have you and rush you away where they can start caring for you. (later Christian told me you just shot out) They take Christian and me back to a room to wait. At this point I was so emotionally drained and tired and more worried than I had ever been in my life. I can't even begin to describe how I felt. I wanted to feel hope that you were going to be ok and I wanted them to come tell me that you were doing good and we just had to wait there and I felt so lonely. I was so thankful to have your daddy in the room with me or I would not have been able to take it. (if I did) He was so strong and held me and held my hand and tried to comfort me. I was still with fever and shaking and crying and had so many emotions running through my body. When the doctor came in to talk with us I couldn't stop shaking and crying. He told us that you came out kicking and crying and that was the first moment of relief I felt. I wanted SO bad to see you and it broke my heart that i couldn't touch you and hold you and be there for you. I wanted answers, I wanted a plan, I wanted to know what to expect and there were just so many unknowns! I wanted to hope but I was so scared that if I hoped too much I would lose you and I didn't think I could handle that so I tried not to hope too much. But in the back of my mind I just kept thinking to myself, if anyone can pull through this its you. You are so strong and so brave and I know you are a fighter. You are so loved and so important that I know you can overcome this Huge struggle coming into the world. You are the most important person in my life and your daddy and I love you so very much. I want to give you the world and do everything I can to make you happy and safe and protect you and it's so extremely hard not being with you every minute. I don't want to get in the way of your care but everytime I leave your room all I can think about is when I get to come back.

Kingston, you were born on Sunday night at 10:45 pm on July 4th, 2010. All over the country people were celebrating with fireworks and I just hope that next year and many years to come we will be able to look back at this and celebrate your special birth and our greatest miracle.

Today was really difficult and yet there were so many precious moments that I got to have with you already that I feel so very blessed. You have been here less than 24 hours and you have already touched my life in a way that I could never have imagined. The first time that I saw you and got to cup your little foot in my hand my heart just melted. You looked so fragile and it was really scary. I wanted to let you know that I was there and how much I loved you but I didn't want to hurt your very fragile skin either. I had been very concerned that you would be in discomfort and scared and it brought peace to my heart to see you so comfortable. The nurse told us they weren't able to get your lines in and that concerned me a little but they said that they would try later. They wanted to make sure not to over stimulate you. They told me that at 8am and 2 pm each day was when they would check your temp and change your tiny little diaper that was not even half the size of the palm of my hand. Even with how tiny it still looked so big on you. I was a little excited and yet very nervous when they told me I could change you myself. When we went back at 2, I got a little scared and tried to let daddy do it first. He was less brave than I. With the nurses help, I got to lift your legs and scoot the diaper under you. I was so nervous and the warmth from the ventilator was making sweaty. I had to let her finish because I was so concerned that my inexperience would hurt you. It was still one of the two highlights of my day to be able to be a part of such a simple task that personally I was not looking forward to under normal situations. Now I can't wait to be able to try again and be able to do something that will help bring you more comfort. The other greatest highlight of my day was the first syringe I was able to bring for you with breast milk. I never imagined that I would get my milk in so early. This is also something that previously I had been warned was really difficult and uncomfortable. It may get worse if my breasts get chapped, but today everytime I was able to pump and bring that syringe of milk (only 4-9cc's) made me so proud and I felt needed and that this was the one thing that I could do that would really benefit your growth and health and that made everything so real. I like to go see you before I pump because I think it helps me think of you and picture you and makes it not seem hard at all. Anything I can do for you is such a treat! It is really hard writing right now because all I want to do is go down and see you again. I can just stare into the incubator and you don't have to do anything and I feel like I never want to leave your side. You bring me so much joy! Please know how much I love you and how much I want to be with you and hold you and I look forward to and pray for the day that I get to hold you in my arms and cuddle you against my chest. Kingston, I love you more than I could ever have imagined. Please sleep well tonight and know that you are in so many of our prayers and that you are so important to us. Love, your mommy.