December 26th, 2010

Yesterday we celebrated our first Christmas with Kingston. It was so wonderful to be with family! We enjoyed Christmas eve and morning with Christian's family and had delicious ham and then breakfast! I wish I could have brought him down with me to see my family but there were too many grandkids at my mom's so Christian stayed with him while I visited. Kingston gave us the best present ever yesterday! He took all of his feedings by his bottle and we didn't have to use the pump at all! It was wonderful to watch him eat. Its crazy how the little things that most people would take for granted can mean so much! Thank you for giving me the best Christmas ever, Kingston. I love you more than you could ever imagine! You make me so Happy!

love, Mommy

Dec. 15, 2010

I was inspired by the sweet testimony of an innocent 5 year old to write down my own testimony. It’s been a long time since I’ve shared it with anyone, so thank you Aliah.

I have a testimony of the power of prayer. When things are out of my control, out of my hands, all I can do is trust in the Lord, never lose Faith, and Pray. Prayer has helped me get through the hardest chapter of my life. It kept my son ALIVE. Through prayer I was comforted when I was frightened most. It calmed me and gave me strength to keep holding on. It brought me closer to my family and friends. It brought me closer to God.

I have a testimony of the Holy Ghost. While it was the contractions that inspired me to call my doctor, it was that “still small voice” that told me not to go to Lake Powell over the 4^th of July, long before the contractions started. I know that had I gone, Kingston would not be here today.

I have witnessed the miracle of Life. I have seen a Strong spirit come into the world, given such a tiny, frail body, and fight to hold on- a true miracle. My miracle!

I know that Jesus is the Christ, My Savior, Lord, and Redeemer. I know that through him we may all be saved. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and is here for me when I need him most. He has helped me through my darkest hour and never given up on me. He has blessed my life with a loving husband and beautiful son. I am so thankful for the gift of life and for His love. I say these things humbly, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Sweet hour of prayer! Sweet hour of prayer!

That calls me from a world of care,

And bids me at my Father's throne

Make all my wants and wishes known.

In seasons of distress and grief,

My soul has often found relief,

And oft escaped the tempter's snare

By thy return, sweet hour of prayer!

Dec. 14th, part 2

So I was going to go to sleep, but then Kingston wanted to stay up so we watched a movie instead. I had one of those Mom moments. :) Laying in bed, baby in my arms, the husband and puppy asleep next to me and I was just looking at my sweet little sleeping family and I realized this was the happiest moment! I love my family so much and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I have a miracle in my arms and such a wonderful husband! I don't know how I lucked out. He cooks, he cleans, he is so productive!, so helpful with Kingston, and he loves us SO MUCH! This probably sounds like the cheesiest post, but I want to remember this night always. I LOVE him more than anything in the world and when the doctors told us that having a preemie this early leads to a 75% divorce rate, I was never worried for a moment. I have the best husband in the world and I think this has just made us stronger and made me appreciate him even more! I love you Christian.

Alright, back to reality. Have to cut this short again. Kingston just woke back up and is screaming his head off. I think his lungs are going to be just fine. :) Good night again!

December 14th, 2010

Kingston took 100 ml by bottle at one feeding yesterday! It was awesome! :) We are also weening him of his theophylin. At first I was a little freaked out, because since he didn't go home on oxygen I was worried about what I would do if he stopped breathing, but its been 5 days since we started weening him and he's doing GREAT! We went from every 6 hrs to every 8 4 days ago and today we went to every 12. In 5 more days we are going to go to once a day and then stay at that til we run out. So far so good! I just check to make sure he's still breathing about 100 times a day. :) We put his monitor on at night, but I still wake up about 20 times and make sure its working. SUPER tired so this is a short post. :) GOOD NIGHT!

Dec. 3rd, 2010

Kingston will be 5 months old tomorrow. He weighed 8 lbs 11 oz at the doctor's on Wednesday.

Crazy that we have already been home a week! It hasn't been what I was expecting. Not that I know really what I was expecting. Time seems to go by so fast! I get nothing done, (i think i thought i was going to have all this free time...silly me) but I do get bored and kinda lonely being stuck in the house all day even though I've been pretty exhausted. Now that my computer is working again I think that will help. I wish I could take Kingston out and go places with him but it's too cold for walks and I don't want to risk him catching anything. BOO! Can't wait for spring time when we can come out and PLAY!

So, last night Kingston slept most of the night thanks to the MAMAROO! I recommend it to EVERYONE with a baby. We borrowed it from our friends Holly and Jensen to try it out and it is Wonderful! Matter of fact, he's in it right now. He likes it even when he's awake. It is like a swing but WAY cooler! I laugh because before we had the baby I showed it to Christian and he said it was too expensive and we didn't need it but now that he's here and CRIES all the time, he said we HAD to get one. :) I think we are getting it as an early Christmas present from Christian's parents. YEAH! Hopefully tonight plays out the same way. We'll see. Screaming baby in the day is so much easier to deal with than screaming baby at 2 am!

We had three visitors today. It was nice. Andrea (Christian's mom) came over and brought us some batteries for his bouncer that we have already gone through. (another reason i love the mamaroo, you can plug it in) and my Dad and Julie came and brought presents for the little guy! It was a nice surprise! We are so lucky to have many family and friends that show their support and love. We couldn't do it without all of you! We are very blessed. :)

AmberLee Hampshire November 26 at 4:27pm

It's been crazy since I found out Kingston was getting ready to come home. You think you are ready and then you realize you're not even close! He got to come home yesterday for Thanksgiving and It's been lovely! Exhausting but lovely. My mom came up to help and I'm so grateful for her! I don't know what I am going to do when she leaves tomorrow. I feel like i'm a mom/nurse. He has one medication that is given every 6 hrs and another every 8 and between that and bottle feeding and then giving the rest by pump over an hour and then cleaning it, i am constantly busy. By the time I'm done with one, it seems like its time to change him and start over. He also has a monitor that keeps beeping cuz his leads fall off. And dressing changes from his surgery twice a day (and he HATES that) it doesn't hurt him i think it just annoys him and makes him MAD. He is still on fortified breast milk with extra calories but it makes him get backed up and super gassy. I'm hoping we can take him off that soon. Other than that..which is just an adjustment and i'm sure i'll get used to it soon and not keep worrying i'm going to forget to give him something...it is so WONDERFUL to have him home! I love sleeping next to him (he's in his pack n play next to my bed) and I love walking around the house without having to be hooked up to anything. It's the best! :) He LOVED the car ride home too! I might have to drive around with him a lot. :) It still doesn't seem real yet that he's really home! HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone! I'm sure you all know what i am thankful for this year. ;)

Leaving the Hospital. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Post surgery sucker.

Post surgery and still knocked out.

November 20th, 2010- Our 1st surgery

Well, Kingston had his first surgery yesterday. Everything went really well. He had a feeding tube inserted into his stomach and then had his circumcision. The worst part was that he had to be re-intubated. It was hard to see him on that machine again. After the surgeries they were able to extubate him (on the second try) and so far he has been able to stay off it. They put him on high flow (a little bit of oxygen) and will continue to wean him off while he recovers. The feeding tube is a little thinner than the size of a pencil. He will have it for 8 weeks and then it will get switched out for a little button. We will continue to work with him until he can take full feeds by mouth. Once he doesn't need the tube or button anymore we will have it removed. It will be so nice to get him home. He still doesn't take a lot by mouth but he is SLOWLY improving and as he gets bigger, stronger, and more comfortable I think he will take off! Now we just have to wait for him to recover from his surgeries and then we can leave. I think today will be the worst day. He can't have as much pain medication because it affects his respiratory so he is so uncomfortable and HUNGRY. They haven't fed him since yesterday morning at 5am. I hope they start feeding him again soon. He is getting fluids but he wants milk. He also wants held and his favorite position is on his tummy but while he is healing it makes it difficult. I held him for a little bit last night but he didn't seem very comfortable. (He likes to be held up against me and patted on his back which I was unable to do)

We're hoping to still go home next week as long as he is ready. (He likes to do everything on his own time and has his own plan which rarely is the same as anyone else's plan, so we'll see) :) Love, Amber

Eskimo Kingston

We met the neonatalogist today and talked about getting Kingston home. We are hoping to get him home for Thanksgiving weekend, which is looking good. He weighed in at 8 lbs tonight and is getting chunky.

November 7th, 2010

Well the little man is now 4 months old. kinda hard to believe. :) He's weighing in at about 7 1/2 lbs now. He's a little chunk. the docs just reduced his calorie intake from 27 cal. to 24. Hopefully that will help with some of his gas.

Here is the latest update:

Eyes: Regressing. Since he is fully off oxygen now his eyes have been cleared and aren't one of the things keeping him in the hospital anymore.

Breathing: He's getting better...a bit. They had to increase his theophalin levels but his A's and B's have been reduced. Once they are gone (which we keep hearing that he WILL EVENTUALLY grow out of them) we will just have to figure out the feeding. In the mean time, that is what we are working on.

Feeding: He has improved greatly over the last couple days- up to about 20-38 mls by mouth! It has been a VERY VERY slow process but I really do believe he will get it! If he is not taking more than 75% of his feeds by mouth when he is finally over his A's and B's, the doctors have recommended he get a g-tube (tube that is inserted into the stomach) so he can go home. At first the g-tube totally freaked me out but i've come to accept that this could be the outcome and tried to educate myself more about it and it's really not as bad as i thought...and that's after educating myself through the internet.. I know this is the worst way for seeking information, but we all still do it. He will only need it until he is eating completely by mouth and I really don't think that will be too long at all. The worst part about getting the g-tube is he would have to be reintubated and with his lungs that's kinda scary. The longer we wait and his lungs improve and he gets bigger, the quicker he will come back off them. And if it gets him home sooner, than I think it's worth it.

HOME...not sure how I will feel when that time comes or the adjustment it will be. To be honest it has me a little freaked out. At least in the hospital I can rely on the nurses and doctors watching over him 24-7 instead of being alone with him. I am Scared to death that something scary will happen and I won't know what to do. Especially at night. I don't know how I will be able to fall asleep and not worry something will happen while I'm sleeping and I won't wake up. I'm sure all first time parents feel this to some extent when they are bringing home their newborns but Kingston's had people watching over him his whole life and so I feel we have had help but when we go home, it's all on us and the help is gone. I just hope once we do get home we don't end up having to go back. We have had been in the hospital far too long. ~Amber

The lion is getting so small! Here Kingston is weighing in at 6lbs 10oz.

A future Ute.

The King!

Kingston is 6.4 tonight and growing another chin. This is his first day completely off oxygen and loving it.

Tuesday, October 19th, 2010

Today is my first maternity day! yeah! I haven't determined when my last official day is of work yet because WHO KNOWS when Kignston will really be ready to come home, but I have started training my temporary replacement and working part time. I have been at the hospital all day and it has been lovely! Kingston has been sleeping a lot so we haven't gotten in much play time, but I've gotten to snuggle him all day and that has been nice.

I haven't written in a bit because I have been frustrated. I was hoping he would get to come home around his due date, which is Thursday, but that's not going to happen so now I'm hoping before Thanksgiving. We will see. Please DON'T ASK ME WHEN HE GETS TO COME HOME BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW and when I do get to take him home I'm sure I will let everyone know.

So here is my update on the little man today:

EYES: Still in stage 2 zone 2 ROP (retinopothy of prematurity) but regressing slowly so that is good.

BREATHING: He is doing well. They tried to ween him off Theophalin (not sure how to spell that) but he seems to need it so they gave him more and he's responded well to it. It is a medicine that helps with his lungs. It has greatly reduced the number of A's and B's he's getting. He still has some but they are not severe and usually happen around the end of his feeds.

EATING: He was doing pretty well and taking close to a full bottle at times but then he decided he didn't like the milk anymore in his mouth. It has been a slow process but we are working our way back to this. We went back to the syringes around the pacifier and he seems to like that so we reintroduced the bottle and are making a little progress. He's only taking about 5-10 ml from the bottle (He's now up to 48 mls for a full feed) but we are focusing on the experience and making sure it is positive rather than the volumes.

WEIGHT, AGE and HEIGHT: 5 lbs 15 oz, 17 inches long and ALMOST 40 weeks. (this Thursday) He is 108 days old today! (He's the OLD MAN on campus now)

Every day we thank our Heavenly Father for our sweet little miracle and pray for all the little babies in the NBICU. Thank you for all your continued support, love and prayers. We are so happy to have such wonderful people in our lives.

love, Amber

Future Pilot

The little aviator.

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Weighing in at 5.5 lbs and 17.375 inches.

Taking the bottle now.

The smallest Jazz fan ever! Compliments of build-a-bear.

Second bath and loving it. I think he was more used to the weird sensation and just chilled the whole time. He weighed in last night at 4 lbs 12 ounces.

Mommy and Daddy gave me my first bath tonight. It was a little scary but i think I liked it! Now I am so clean.  Weighed 3 lb 13 oz. Pretty soon I'll be 4!  I also tried breastfeeding until I got tired.  It was a good night.

1st tub time

He loves his binky.

New beanie.

September 13, 2010

Well my little fetus is like a real baby now! Today I got to work with the OT (occupational therapist). She is going to be working with me on breast feeding my little man. Not sure if he is going to be able to do it, but we're sure gonna give it a try! Today he latched on and even sucked a little. It's gonna be tricky to get him to keep breathing while he does that, breathe, suck, and swallow...all at the same time! Poor thing tuckered out after a few seconds. :) Well this was just the first attempt. I am so glad that i get to experience this with him. When he was done I held him while he was fed. He was high sating the whole time, just lovin it! (his feeding tube is now in his nose with the nasal canula that he is on (1 liter!) so for once in his life his mouth has nothing in it! YEAH!!!

One of Christian's buddies let us borrow the preemie clothes from when they were in the NBICU so we got hooked up! I get so excited to dress him in his little outfits. (although i am not that coordinated yet, and it takes FOREVER! i still love it! )

Just called the hospital and he has been moved to room 6! Room 2 was much more private with only 2 babies to a nurse instead of 3 which he will have now, but it is exciting to know he is doing well enough to graduate to the bigger room. We will miss little ms. Aaliyah (his roommate) and her parents.

I'm kinda jumping all over the place today. Almost done, I feel so blessed to have Kingston in my life and love watching him grow and progress. We are so greatful for our sweet miracle and for all the prayers and support that we are getting. Kingston in 10 weeks old now! (34 wks gestational) He is 3 lb 7 oz and 14 3/4 inches long. Our little man's really growin up!

September 10, 2010

So much has happened in a week. I need to get caught up! So we'll start with Saturday. ...the worst day ever. :( I was so jealous that my roommate's parents got to hold her every night and i was getting so anxious to hold my little man. He is just way too cute to just look at and i wanted a snuggle. I had been asking the nurses for the last few days if i could possibly hold him, if they felt comfortable enough. Well one of my primaries told me i could hold him and i was SO EXCITED! Everything was great for about an hour. Then his tube came out, but we didn't know that. (he was still on the vent at this point) He started turning bluish purple so fast. His heart dropped, he desated, and looked so lifeless. At first my nurse didn't panic so i wasn't too worried, but then when she called the other nurses help and no one came she seemed to get a little panicky especially when she put the mask on him to give him breaths and his dinner started coming up. Milk was spilling everywhere and that's when she knew he had been extubated. Christian ran in the hall to get help and then all these nurses and docs started running down the hall towards our room. It was so scary. I just froze and watched. As soon as she lifted him from my lap and put him back on the isolette i left the room with Christian to wait outside. We couldn't watch them put the big metal thing down his throat. It was so frightening. I felt so awful! They should make parents watch a video of what can happen and then they won't ask to hold their baby until they are OFF the vent. I learned my lesson.

On the bright side, if there is one, once they re-intubated Kingston and got the tube in the perfect position. (it had been a little high before.) He started improving and doing really well (the new medicine, i'm sure played a big role in this too) Monday afternoon they took him off the vent and put him back on CPAP (the bubbly NPPVI without a rate) He was on a setting of 8, since then, every day they have weened him 1. Last night he was on a setting of 5. Once he gets to 4, they should switch him to High flow, so if all continues to go well that could be tomorrow! He's also been gaining a bunch lately too. He is now 3 lb 6 oz! He started cooking in the isolette so to our surprise yesterday they moved him to a big boy crib! He looks so adorable all swaddled and wrapped up and seems to be liking it just fine. (And i can hold him whenever i was right now which is the best feeling EVER!) The nurse put a little tshirt on him that just drowns him! (it is much harder and takes longer to change him with clothes on, but i'm not complaining! :) I love to see my little miracle baby growing up so fast. Christian and I feel SO BLESSED with our little angel.

Time to stretch out the nostrils again! A surprise to us, but they decided to take Kingston back off the vent. So far he is doing great. Tonight he weighed in at 3lbs 4oz and is using pamper diapers. They still are tiny, but a good sign.

September 2nd, 2010
So frustrated and tired today. Kingston has been on a rate of 35 the last couple days. (That means the machine gives him 35 breaths a minute) He was on 30 and they tried to ween him to 28 but he didn't like that and now he's up to 35. Sometimes he doesn't breathe at all on his own and just rides the vent, letting it breathe for him. They have tried to give him Arbutirol (some little mini inhaler looking thing) - first when he needed it, and then every 3 hrs but i don't know if it's really helping. He still has A's and B's and desats and had a grade 4 this morning. His lungs sounded crackly this morning and his xrays are not improving. Jackie heard a murmur so his PDA is open and I hope it's not getting bigger. They might do another echo to check it. I'm feeling so discouraged. I'm trying to be patient and give him time to improve but he just seems to be doing worse or the same instead of better. The last couple nights we've gone up there his little roommate's parents have got to hold her. (she is also 33 wks) It's hard to watch because we just sit there and he hasn't been stable enough to hold. It makes me really sad and jealous. I wish I could do something for him. All I can do is pray, trust in God, and be patient. I knew being a mom would be challenging but i wasn't prepared for this at all.

Kingston passed his second eye exam today and has remained fairly steady. They have kept his vent settings around the same.

He has finally hit 3lbs and is growing strong. He is currently on 22ml of breast milk every 3 hours and 27 calories. His chest X-rays didn't come back the greatest so we are still unsure when they will try and get him off the vent.

Kingston is having a good day today. He got a new ventilator machine so he is up to the latest technology. Hopefully he will be off it soon. He has been more awake lately, which has made it fun for us to see his eyes. I think they are blue. He weighed in today at 2lb 13oz so soon he will be double his birth weight.

Got the iv out of my head today. Yeah!

No more photos!

Kingston weighed in at 2lb 12oz tonight. Soon he will be pushing 3lbs.

Just stretching out his legs.  I think he needs to work a little bit on his thighs....

He looks so tired and yet so peaceful.  Maybe he is relieved he doesn't have to do so much breathing on his own now that he is back on the vent.  The I.V. in his head doesn't see that comfortable.

Kingston hasn't had the best last couple of days. He is back on the vent so at least his nose will get a break. We have had quite a few scares and we still don't know what's wrong but he's feeling a little better right now.

Bigger nose plugs equals pissed off baby.

Mr Grumpy

Kingston has been doing ok except for a bunch of a's and b's which is when he forgets to breathe and his rate drops too. He has a few grade 3's and 4's, which aren't good so he has gone back up on some of his settings. However, he is still rocking the cpap as you can see by the picture. They also increased the size of his nose prongs so he can get a better seal. Does not look comfortable.

Monday, July 5th, 2010- letter to Kingston

My Precious Little Kington. You are such a blessing to me. I never imagined I could love someone so much as I love you. I tried for 2 years to get pregnant and the day that I found out was the happiest moment of my life! I have enjoyed every minute that you were inside my belly. I loved feeling your little kicks and daily I would look through your ultra sound pictures and get so exicited for you to come. Christian and I have loved shopping for you and picking out things for your "surfer" themed nursery. I could hardly wait for you to come.

So many emotions have gone through my head the last couple days. Friday afternoon I was low risk, 24 weeks pregnant, and carrying a healthy happy little baby! Up until this point I had felt no contractions. (I didn't even know what that would feel like) I did feel like you were really moving a lot and sometimes it put pressure on my uterus and hurt a lot. It wasn't very frequent though so I was not too alarmed. I started noticing some more discharge than usual but I had also read this was normal to experience around this time. There were a couple times during the day that I noticed a little pink tinge and I wasn't sure if I was imagining it or not but it looked like a little blood. I started to become more concerned at dinner when the pain in my uterus started becoming more frequent. By the time we were home I decided to relax on the bed and see if it would calm down. I started timing them and they seemed to be 2-4 minutes apart. I called the on-call doctor and after talking to her for a time she recommended that I go down to the hospital to get checked out. At this point I was a little embarrassed and was sure it was nothing but wanted to calm my fears. I kept telling myself I was just being a paranoid first-time mom, but still wanted the reassurance. No one seemed to be too worried or concerned when I first arrived. I was hooked up to a monitor to see if the feelings I had were contractions, and find out how far apart they were. There were some pretty big contractions and they were coming very close together. The nurse checked to see if I was dialating and suddenly things started to heat up fast. She said "Oh dear, this is not good. You are dialated to a 3. We are going to do everything we can to slow down the contractions and stop you from going into labor." She asked if I thought my water had broke and I said it had not. She, and the other nurse that was in the room, left in a hurry and then came back and started preparing me for all that was about to happen. She told me I would be moved to another room and that she was going to check for infection and wanted to give me Magnesia (which I thought she said was to slow down the contractions, but later I think it was also used to help the you) She told me it would make me feel like I had a 24 hour flu and that I would get a fever and probably through up and feel real nauscious. She also wanted to give me a steroid shot as a precaution in case you came that night. At about 2 am my water broke. I couldn't believe what was happening. I felt that things were moving to fast and could feel the concern from the caregivers. I was given a catheter and then because the magnesia wasn't slowing the contractions it was bumped up to a higher dosage. Someone from the NICU came in and started telling me what to expect if i had you that night. The doctor also tried talking to me. I threw up every time someone tried talking and everything seemed like a blur. Next thing I know I am told that I am about to be transferred to the University of Utah because they felt you will have better care at their facility. They wanted to helicopter me out of there and that really scarred me. I could tell things were bad. I denied the helicopter because I felt more comfortable going in an ambulance and I knew it would get there about the same time since we were only minutes from the other hospital. Since Shayla (your cousin) had been at primary childrens, which is adjoining the University of Utah Hospital, I felt very confident that transferring there was in the best interest for you, and that you would receive the best care there. After a long hard night and once the transfer was complete they were able to stabilize me and the contractions. They checked my cervix again and said I was only dialated to about a 1. Things were finally looking a little better. You were doing awesome. They monitored your movement and breathing and everything seemed like it was going to be ok. I finally felt a little relief and hope. Sometime on Saturday they said that I could be moved to a regular room where they would monitor me and I would be on bed rest until you came. I was hoping that this would be at least a few weeks and praying for another month. I was so concerned about the risks that delivering SO EARLY could cause. All I could think about was keeping you in my tummy for a little longer. I tried to relax and rest and slept most of the day. On Sunday, I was feeling really good. I started making little goals for myself. If I could just make it to 25 weeks than I would focus on 26 and everyday after that would be 2 less days in the NICU for my little angel. Well when they moved me down my uterus started getting irritable and I started noting everytime I thought I was having a contraction or even feeling tightness. I was monitored and you were monitored and we both seemed to be doing fine. I was a little concerned about the tightness I kept feeling but I was so thankful to have another day and praying for many more. As the day went on I started feeling more tightness and they became more frequent and got worse. I went to the bathroom just before the nurse same to give me my 8pm antibiotics through the IV. I had seen a little blood earlier and this time there was a little more and it was bright red, which was something they told me to watch for. I let the nurse know and she told the doctor. She also monitored you and me again and we both seemed to be doing great. She could see that I was maybe having small contractions but they didn't look bad or too worriesome. The doctor came in and decided to check me just because the blood. He said he wasn't too concerned but just wanted to as a precaution. I was a little scared. My legs started shaking and I couldn't seem to get them to stop. He said I was more dialated and that there was a water sack that had formed. He wanted to move me back to labor and delivery. I started breathing heavily and crying and got really, really scared again. I was so afraid for you. I wanted to protect you and keep you safe inside me and felt like I couldn't control anything and that it was out of my hands and I felt so helpless. As I was being transferred I felt a huge gush of fluid and knew that the water sack had broke. As soon as I was in labor and delivery everything sped up again so fast. They started another i.v. of magnesia for you and checked my cervix. They said you were crowning and that we had to move to the operating room to deliver. I was shaking so bad and the fever from the magnesia was starting to elevate. I had no control and I wasn't ready and I was so so scared for my precious little baby. All of a sudden the two doctors at the end are telling me to push and i'm pushing and pushing and it hurts and i'm crying and scared. After some painful pushes they have you and rush you away where they can start caring for you. (later Christian told me you just shot out) They take Christian and me back to a room to wait. At this point I was so emotionally drained and tired and more worried than I had ever been in my life. I can't even begin to describe how I felt. I wanted to feel hope that you were going to be ok and I wanted them to come tell me that you were doing good and we just had to wait there and I felt so lonely. I was so thankful to have your daddy in the room with me or I would not have been able to take it. (if I did) He was so strong and held me and held my hand and tried to comfort me. I was still with fever and shaking and crying and had so many emotions running through my body. When the doctor came in to talk with us I couldn't stop shaking and crying. He told us that you came out kicking and crying and that was the first moment of relief I felt. I wanted SO bad to see you and it broke my heart that i couldn't touch you and hold you and be there for you. I wanted answers, I wanted a plan, I wanted to know what to expect and there were just so many unknowns! I wanted to hope but I was so scared that if I hoped too much I would lose you and I didn't think I could handle that so I tried not to hope too much. But in the back of my mind I just kept thinking to myself, if anyone can pull through this its you. You are so strong and so brave and I know you are a fighter. You are so loved and so important that I know you can overcome this Huge struggle coming into the world. You are the most important person in my life and your daddy and I love you so very much. I want to give you the world and do everything I can to make you happy and safe and protect you and it's so extremely hard not being with you every minute. I don't want to get in the way of your care but everytime I leave your room all I can think about is when I get to come back.

Kingston, you were born on Sunday night at 10:45 pm on July 4th, 2010. All over the country people were celebrating with fireworks and I just hope that next year and many years to come we will be able to look back at this and celebrate your special birth and our greatest miracle.

Today was really difficult and yet there were so many precious moments that I got to have with you already that I feel so very blessed. You have been here less than 24 hours and you have already touched my life in a way that I could never have imagined. The first time that I saw you and got to cup your little foot in my hand my heart just melted. You looked so fragile and it was really scary. I wanted to let you know that I was there and how much I loved you but I didn't want to hurt your very fragile skin either. I had been very concerned that you would be in discomfort and scared and it brought peace to my heart to see you so comfortable. The nurse told us they weren't able to get your lines in and that concerned me a little but they said that they would try later. They wanted to make sure not to over stimulate you. They told me that at 8am and 2 pm each day was when they would check your temp and change your tiny little diaper that was not even half the size of the palm of my hand. Even with how tiny it still looked so big on you. I was a little excited and yet very nervous when they told me I could change you myself. When we went back at 2, I got a little scared and tried to let daddy do it first. He was less brave than I. With the nurses help, I got to lift your legs and scoot the diaper under you. I was so nervous and the warmth from the ventilator was making sweaty. I had to let her finish because I was so concerned that my inexperience would hurt you. It was still one of the two highlights of my day to be able to be a part of such a simple task that personally I was not looking forward to under normal situations. Now I can't wait to be able to try again and be able to do something that will help bring you more comfort. The other greatest highlight of my day was the first syringe I was able to bring for you with breast milk. I never imagined that I would get my milk in so early. This is also something that previously I had been warned was really difficult and uncomfortable. It may get worse if my breasts get chapped, but today everytime I was able to pump and bring that syringe of milk (only 4-9cc's) made me so proud and I felt needed and that this was the one thing that I could do that would really benefit your growth and health and that made everything so real. I like to go see you before I pump because I think it helps me think of you and picture you and makes it not seem hard at all. Anything I can do for you is such a treat! It is really hard writing right now because all I want to do is go down and see you again. I can just stare into the incubator and you don't have to do anything and I feel like I never want to leave your side. You bring me so much joy! Please know how much I love you and how much I want to be with you and hold you and I look forward to and pray for the day that I get to hold you in my arms and cuddle you against my chest. Kingston, I love you more than I could ever have imagined. Please sleep well tonight and know that you are in so many of our prayers and that you are so important to us. Love, your mommy.

Ever since Kingston received a little more blood yesterday he has been doing really well. Sometimes when they are taking blood for labs/tests they can't produce enough blood to keep up. That results in lower red blood cell counts, which in turns affects his oxygen. Very normal for babies his age, but they have weened his settings on cpap a little today and will continue till we can get him on high flow. So good day today.

It's hard to tell, but we think his eyes are blue. He hasn't had the best last few days and they say he is a hair away from being re-intibated (put back on the vent). It's really hard just watching him and not being able to do anything. I wish I could take his pain and bare his burdens, but I can't. He's a trooper and will fight through this hurdle. The frustrating part of it all is there will be yet another hurdle for him right after this one and for the most of his life.

August 16th, 2010

So I promised to keep you all updated on a consistent basis. This last Friday was pretty crazy. I got to the NICU about 3 pm and things seemed pretty heated. Kingston's potassium levels were at extremely dangerous levels. The nurses were thinking that this could be related to his kidney issue. (they had seen a blood clot there before) They ordered an emergency ultra sound to see what was going on in there. I was so nervous and freaked out. Every thought from serious chronic problems to survival were racing through my brain. They also had stopped his feeds and given him an i.v. He was getting insulin and hydrocortizone for the potassium. He was hooked up to this scary machine that was monitoring his heart better because they were really concerned about it and he almost had to be re-intubated. I couldn't handle being there while they were doing the ultrasound so i had to walk out and call Christian and tell him to get there as soon as he could. I was so worried. While I was watching, before I walked out, I saw this huge black blob in the middle of the kidney that I thought for sure must be a huge blood clot. I was too nervous to ask if that was what it was. Turns out it was fluid and there was no blood clot to be found. His air ways were visable on both sides. PHEW! So after all that, they started him back on full feeds on Saturday and took away the scary heart machine and insulin. They will contine the hydrocortizone for AWHILE. They think that his potassium got too high because they were weening him off of it, but he still needs it. Luckily, there should be no long term affects from him getting it because it is such a small amount. He seems to be pretty stable for the most part. Last night he was very apnic? ...i'm sure i spell everything wrong. and his CO2 levels were high and nurse Jackie :) thought it may be a sign of infection. Again i was so worried, but when i called back at 6 this morning after they took the labs, it seems he just needed a blood transfusion, but no sign of infection. When the doctors and nurses warned me about this experience being an up and down rollercoaster, they weren't kidding. It's been crazy. My kid is only 6 weeks old and he's already giving me grey hairs and wrinkles. :) But everytime i look at him it is so worth it. Last night Christian got to do skin to skin with him and seeing his little body in my husbands arms and the look on his face, made me realize how lucky i am to have such a wonderful little family.

Just trying to self feed himself.

His weekly progress pic with the lion.

Today was a good day. Pretty stable and growing. Once they figured out his adrenal issues his potassium has gone down and he has been cranking right along. He weighed in tonight 1010 grams, which is around 2lbs 4oz. He should really start taking off on weight now. Hopefully this coming week they will be able to ween him off the CPAP and onto a high flow.

Kingston

He is having a rough day. You can see he has some weird Madonna things on his nipples.

Last night Kingston gained 30 grams, a little over an ounce, and now weighs 2lbs 3oz.  Since changing out his nose prongs for a tighter seal he has been doing better, but still having some issues which we are trying to figure out why.  He was doing so well for the first few days on CPAP, which is why we are thinking there is something going on.  They have ruled out infection right now so away with more tests.

Putting Things Into Perspective

It is hard to tell how big Kingston is by his pictures, but this one sheds a little light on it.

August 12th, 2010

Wow, we are actually starting a blog! I always said as soon as i had a baby i would do this but it took Christian setting it up to actually write anything. I like this! Great page husband! So Kingston is 30 weeks gestationally today. (10 weeks till his due date) He will be 6 weeks old officially on Sunday. YEAH KINGSTON! He is almost 2 kilos (2 lbs 2 oz) and is about 13 inches long. I think later i will post about my birth experience but i still need to edit it. (i wrote it down right after i gave birth but haven't gone through it all yet) To give a current update: He went on CPAP about a week ago. (This is a machine that helps him breathe on his own) He was doing awesome and almost moved to high flow but then he started having a bunch of A's and B's (Apnea and Bradychardia) where his heart rate drops way down and he quits breathing. The nurses were concerned he was getting an infection but the lab results came back good so we are pretty sure it's not that. He had to move way up on his settings though which is discouraging, but we are glad that he is not getting sick. We think it may have been that the tubes in his nose weren't getting a good seal and so he wasn't getting all the air he needed. Today they moved to bigger tubes and he's improved. (Only one grade 1 today) Grade 1: means he drops and doesn't come back on his own but he does with light touch. (He had three Grade 4's yesterday which are really scary) Grade 4: they have to mask and bag him because he doesn't come back.

Every day we feel so blessed to have this little miracle in our lives. It's amazing how someone so small can mean so much! We are so greatful for all the wonderful people in our lives who have been praying so hard for him and have been so thoughtful. We love you all!